Conversations in the Gryffindor Common Room
by Aquila Corax
Summary: After a long day of school and homework, the only thing the Marauders want to do is sit down and have a good chat.  Maybe play a few games as well.
1. Anything You Wanted

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Anything You Wanted 

"If you were given the chance to do anything you wanted, what would you do?" The other three marauders all looked up from their activities to stare at Sirius. He was weird that way. Everyone would think he was just mindlessly staring off into space, but then he would ask questions or say things that forced the people around him to think deeply. It was vaguely unsettling.

James stared at him from behind his chess/exploding snap game he was playing with Peter. "What?"

Sirius repeated his question, still looking up at the maroon ceiling. "If you were given the chance to do anything in the world you wanted, what would you do?"

"Easy," James answered sitting up straight, "I would live forever."

Sirius turned his head so that he could give James a wondering look. "Are you sure?" He nodded. "That would be a horrible existence." The others gave him strange faces. Sirius flipped on his side in the chair, letting look at everybody comfortably. "Think about it. You live on forever. Everyone you know around you ages then dies. You will never really age. If you get married, your spouse would eventually become angered that they alone must grow old. They will leave you to suffer on eternity alone. It would be a painful and dead existence."

Remus tried to think of something that could in no way have a down side. "I would want to know anything and everything possible. Whether it was written down or by word of mouth."

Sirius flipped onto his back returning to his hobby of staring up at the endless ceiling. "That seems as though it would be a tortuous life. Knowing anything and everything possible would make you the main target for attention. People would want to know when they will die, the next best financial move, if there really is a God or something. Even if you could mentally control all that information and willingly tell people, how could you deal with telling someone that they're going to die in less than a week, that their baby will be a still born, that-that the person they truly love, will betray them, and essentially kill them. How could handle all that pressure?"

Once again Sirius had put a dark damper on what would normally be a relaxing, cheery, evening. James and Remus both looked at Peter, hoping that he would rescue them from this awkward conversation.

"I would like a lifetime pass to Honeyduke's and of their candies. There! Try making that depressing!"

Sirius looked at him with a straight, stoic face before bursting out in laughter. "That's a good one Pete!"

Looking rather pleased with himself, Peter turned back to the chess/exploding snap game he and James were playing, as Remus returned to burying himself in one of the gigantic books he borrows from the library.

Sirius looked back up at the ceiling, contemplatively. Remus poked his head and looked over at him. "What would you want Sirius?"

With out missing a beat he responded. "I would want to die." This brought the two others out of their game. "It's easy. It's simple. It's cruel and it's selfish. Basically it proves that I'm human."


	2. Woodchucks

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Woodchucks 

It was another dreary, just ready to rain, but too lazy to afternoon. Sirius was staring out the window and Remus was watching James trying to teach Peter how to play Egyptian Rat Screw. It was hard enough convincing him that that was the actual title, now it was near impossible to tell him that James wasn't cheating.

"Hey! That pile's supposed to be mine! You didn't come up with a face card to my jack!"

"Sorry Pete. They're called sand witches. It was the queen of hearts, three of clubs, your jack of spades, then my three of diamonds." James pulled out the four cards to show him.

"He's right Peter. He slapped it before you did." Remus added.

Peter looked indignant. "Fine then I'll just slap every time either of us lays down a card."

James coughed out a laugh. "Remember, you have to lay down one card at the bottom of the pile for every miss-slap." Remus answered Peter's questioning look.

"It means slapping the pile for no reason."

"I know what it means! I just forgot! That's all." James rolled his eyes at Peter defensiveness. Always thinking that a correction was an insult.

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

James was annoyed at the interruption. "How many ups could Sirius shut if Sirius could shut up?"

"I'm being serious!" Realizing what he had said he quickly added, "shut up. Don't say it. You know how much I hate it."

Remus was the first to give a logical response. "You do comprehend the fact that woodchucks don't actually chuck wood. They're far too small."

Sirius had been prepared for Remus' explanation. "Well then give the little guys steroids. That'll beef 'em up quick." Peter looked horrified. "Don't worry Pete, just because you and woodchucks are cousins doesn't mean you have to feel bad for them. They've been give their lot in life and it is to always be asked why they can't chuck wood properly."

"Whose going to answer my question?!?" James was feeling a bit left out. Remus looked lost for a bit then figured out what James was referring to.

"Ohhh. How many ups could Siri…" He got a faraway look on his face before answering. "How does someone go about shutting ups?"

Peter went for the simplest explanation. "They can't."

"Hang on a sec there." James was really trying to defend what he had said. "Trap doors." Everyone else was confused and annoyed that they had not gotten to go with James on his Train of Thought. "The Divination trap door. You close the door by shutting it up!"

If anyone else had bothered to listen in on this group of boys they would have thought them insane. But on the inside, what James had said made sense. Peter pondered James question aloud. "How many ups could Sirius shut if Sirius could shut up? Why does talking have anything to do with shutting doors?"

Remus thought back to his Muggle Studies classes and came up with the answer. "Some doors and windows can only be opened or closed by talking to them. Same goes for wizards. If you don't sound like normal, you won't be allowed into your own house. A lot of wizards got angry that their doors wouldn't let them in because they had sore throats."

Peter understood, but was still confused. "So the answer is no? Since he can't talk he can't close any ups?" Remus shook his head contemplatively, not disagreeing with Peter.

"Maybe the question is how many doors can Sirius close using just non-vocal spells." Remus finally produced.

Sirius was fuming. "Why are you all spending so much time on James' question instead of mine?!?"

"Mine's cooler." James answered simply

"It's just cooler cause it involves me!"

"Suuure. You just keep telling yourself that." James ended the conversation while going back to Egyptian Rat Screw. Sirius went back to sulking in his corner looking out the window. Remus came over and joined him, staring down at the front lawn where a little furry creature was doing some very odd behaviors.

"Oh look, a woodchuck up chucking."


	3. Kill, Screw, Marry

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Kill, Screw, Marry

"Come on! Come on! This is going to be a fun game!"

"Sirius, in all honesty, the last time I participated in one of your 'fun' games, I ended up banned from the Dungeons for two weeks. It was a miracle I didn't fail Potions."

"Don't worry Moony! This isn't like our version of Truth or Dare."

"Your demented version you mean." Remus muttered as he was forced into a sitting position by a very happy Sirius.

"Ok!" Sirius clapped his hands together in excitement. "This little game is called Kill, Screw, Marry." James raised his hand. "Yes James!"

"Why are we going to screw some chick named Mary that we just killed?" Peter couldn't hold in his laughter and started rolling around on the floor; Remus was able to hold it in and just smiled broadly. Sirius was not amused.

"We are not going to do any of what you just said. If you want to learn how the game is played, shut up." He went back to his semi-happy self. "Now, how to play. Person A gives Person B three names. Person B chooses one he would kill, one he would screw, and one he marries. Person B then starts over. Ok?" Upon seeing no questions, Sirius began. "Remus. Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and James Potter."

Remus looked horrified at being asked first. "Umm…screw Sirius, marry James and kill Peter."

"Why would you kill me?!?"

"Because I didn't want to marry or screw you." Remus looked around for the next victim. "James. Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin." James responded by giving him a deadly glare. He muttered his answer.

Sirius leaned in grinning. "What was that James?"

"Marry Lupin, kill Peter, and screw Black." Remus looked confused.

"Why would you marry me?"

James blushed slightly. "Because you're the most marry-able." Sirius burst out laughing. James, ignoring him, turned and asked Peter. "Remus, Sirius, and me." Peter looked like a deer in the headlights. He stared down at the floor thinking. He finally lifted his head and answered.

"Screw Sirius, marry Remus and kill James."

"Why would you kill me?"

Peter looked offended. "Because you were going to kill me!"

"Oh, yeah, that."

Sirius suddenly shouted, "Why does everyone want to screw me?!?" All of the Common Room inhabitants turned around to look at him. Sirius had the decency to look embarrassed. "Sorry!"

Peter took this time to think of three people that he knew the rest of the boys knew. "Snape, Malfoy, and… Dumbledore." Because Peter was looking at Sirius, Sirius knew the question was directed at him.

"Let's see here. I would kill Snape, marry Dumbledore, and screw Malfoy."

"Why would you marry Dumbledore?"

"Why on earth would you SCREW Malfoy?!?" Sirius was looking between Remus and James, trying to decide which question to answer first. He chose to answer them in the order in which they were asked.

"I would marry Dumbledore because he's about ready to kick the bucket, so when he does, I'll get all of his money. That would be the logical thing to do, right Remus? And James, the reason I would screw Malfoy is because then Narcissa wouldn't let him into our family and I would never have to see his face again." The rest nodded, now seeing how logical Sirius really was. Sirius now looked at James. "My mum, Snape, and your future unborn child."

"Sirius that's horrible! I can't do that!"

"Yes you can."

"Fine. I would kill Snape, obviously," the others nodded in agreement, "ummm…oh this is hard. Screw your mum then marry my unborn child." Sirius started laughing hysterically. The two other Marauders could tell from James face that he was trying to think of something that would be equal. "Ok Sirius. How about this? Your mum, Snape, and my unborn child."

Sirius appeared as though he was seriously pondering these people. "Kill my ole' mum, screw Snape, and then marry your unborn child." The three looked disgusted at the thought of Sirius on top of Snape. "Well there was no way I was going to wank my mum or marry her for that matter! And under no conditions in Bloody Hell was I going to screw James' unborn child, that from this day forward will be called Nary. 'Why' you ask? Because nary is the day that James will woo Lily and thus will she allow him to bear their child."

"Sirius, I'm pretty sure you're using that word wrong."

"Moony! Who gives a bleedin' damn?" It was now Sirius' turn to choose another victim again. He picked on the one other person who could know the people he was talking about. "Remus. Winston Churchill, The Queen, and Franklin Delano Roosevelt."

He was quick with an answer. "Screw the Queen, marry Winnie, and kill FDR." He continued by explaining his reasoning. "The Queen is female, Winnie would be the most wonderful life partner, and FDR is already dead. What would I get arrested for? Shooting his rotting corpse? Soo…who's next?" Remus' blunt words had the desired effect of concluding the game. As he looked around for 'Person B' they all scattered. James claimed he had Quidditch practice, Peter was going to make a Kitchens run, and Sirius had to study.

Remus scoffed, _yeah right, when was the last time he ever studied anything other than the female body?_

_A/N : Sorry about this. I normally don't add these, but I am seriously considering a beta for this story. They would have to able to deal with erratic udating schedules and a bit of bad grammar. It's not really so much as needing an assistant, as needing a 'Test Reader' if you will. The TR would get credit for helping me and I will write a couple of stories at their want. If anyone wants the position of TR for this story, please let me know. This is very much apperciated. Tah!_


	4. Survey

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Survey

"Sirius. What is that?" James walking over to Sirius, looking warily at the long piece of parchment he was holding onto.

"This thing? Why it's the Daily Prophet's Single's Dating Service application form. I' m going to fill it out and see how many chicks would want to date me!"

"Sirius, you seem a bit too excited."

"Why would ever say that, Moony? My excitement level is right where it should be: evil anticipation." He let the parchment roll down onto the floor and it ended dangerously close to the fireplace. The Marauders knew they had no choice and would have to help him.

"Let's get this over with." Peter muttered as he sat on the floor. Remus was resting his head and arms on the armrest next to Sirius, and James was standing behind Sirius, looking down at all the questions. Sirius cleared his throat.

"Number one:"

Eye color: _Bluish-gray, sliver kind of, they turn different colors in different light and they turn red when I'm angry._

"They do not you little liar."

"Yes they do James. You just have never bothered to look me in the eye when I'm angry."

Hair color: _Long and Black_

"They just wanted the color, not how long it was."

"Who cares what they asked for? Besides, I'm an overachiever."

Clothing: _Nothing. I'm naked and sitting alone in my basement full of the dead bodies of little kids._

"Sirius! That's horrible!"

"Don't worry I won't get arrested. Can't say the same for Snapey-kins though."

Jewelry: _a couple of family crest rings. Oh, and my huge selection of rainbow earrings and necklaces and bracelets._

"If your mum ever sees this, she is going to kill you."

"With what? Secondhand smoke?"

Type of house: _Crappy old crapshack on Crap Ct. in Crapville, CP._

"I've been to your house, it wasn't that bad."

"James, you saw it for three seconds before I ran outside and went to your house.

Relatives: _Mean old evil demons sent to me from Hell._

"I sure hope none of you have a comeback to that truth."

Age: _If this survey is going to be sent to perverts, I'd rather not say. They might hurt my poor sweet innocence._

"You are too much sometimes Sirius."

Date: _It is 4:52 on this beautiful sunny afternoon in June._

"It's December. And the weather outside looks like owl dung."

"Have you guys _really _never experienced the joys of American Broadway?!?"

Near/far sighted: _Never got my eyes checked. Though I have checked out other people with my eyes._

"Please, never again Sirius.

Glasses: _No._

Contacts: _Only with people I like._

Type of shoe: _What?_

Type of shampoo: _Who cares?_

Type of hair tools: _Wide tooth comb and very, very, fine toothcomb._

"Why?"

"It keeps this hair of mine perfect!"

Pet: _Dead._

Name of pet: _Killer._

Secret you would never tell anyone: _I've slept with Remus Lupin._

"You have not!"

"It didn't say the secret had to be true, it could be a dream of mine."

"Then write, 'my dream is to sleep with Remus Lupin.' NO! I didn't tell you to!"

Type of shirt: _I'm naked._

"Liar."

Type of socks: _Ditto._

"What kind of socks are 'Ditto'?"

"Are you really that dense Peter?"

Type of pants: _See above for answer._

"What kind of pants are 'Ditto'?"

"Just shut up."

Type of underwear: _How stupid._

"What kind of underwear is-"

"SHUT UP!"

When is your birthday: _I was born 300 years ago in the middle of nowhere on the planet Feuer in the Galaxy of Vogel sometime in January._

"What the Hell is this Padfoot?"

"Something I read a long time ago."_  
_

Who do you love/like: _None of your damn business._

"One guess as to who it is guys."

"No thanks Sirius."

Who is your best friend/s? _I have to many to count. In reality it's just three. You guys know who you are. _

"I'm sure we do."

Who is your boy crush: _Remy-kins._

"How can I be your crush if you've slept with me?"

"Is that an invitation?"

"Just go back to this thing."

Have you ever:

Kissed someone: _Too many to really accurately keep track of._

Killed someone: _Do their dreams count?_

Smoked: _Smoked what? _

"What have you ever smoked?"

"You know that stuff I called catnip? It wasn't catnip."

Worn rainbow: _What the heck are you talking about?_

"They're talking about gay stuff."

"Everything I wear is about happy stuff."

"Whatever Sirius."

Talked on the phone for over 3 hours: _What's a phone?_

"Take Muggle Studies."

"I'm not as smart as you Remus."

"Finally something we can all agree on."

Left the country: _Italy was nice. _

"When have you ever been to Italy?"

"To go pick up some wine with my parents. I did a couple of things to Nyceta there. Why did you think she hated me so much on the train?"

Taken nude pictures: _Perhaps. If you count my feet as being nude._

"That is so pathetic Sirius."

"Have you ever taken nude photographs?"

"Only for Lily."

"Oh, so _that's _what she was burning a few days ago…"

Caught something on fire: _Not that I can remember…_

"You burned my homework an hour ago!"

"Notice how it says I can't remember?"

"I'll be sure to help your memory."

Dumped someone: _No._

"He really means to write 'yes'."

Had a dream, then the next day it happens:_ Sadly yes. Now I make sure to see that underwear __and __pants are on before walking into the Great Hall._

"You forgot yesterday."

Pick One: _Do I have to?_

"That wasn't a question Sirius."

"It is now!"

Cat or Dog: _Dog. Duh._

"Didn't see that one coming."

White or Black: _Black._

"I wonder why."

Hot or Cold: _Luke warm._

"That wasn't an option."

"Look who cares!"

Far or Near: _All depends on who's near. wink wink_

"Sirius you're disgusting!"

"Only to you Moony."

Water or Land: _Water. As long as I'm not on a make-shift raft with a_

_volleyball._

"What the Hell are you talking about?"

"No idea. It just came out of me. Weird…"

Are You:

Understanding: _Depends on my mood_

"Never."

Open-minded: _See above. _  
"Keep dreaming."

Insecure: _NEVER!!!_

"Suure."

Interesting: _If being clinically insane makes me interesting then yes._

"I'm sure it does."

Hungry: _Yep. FOR POWER! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!_

"What else is new?"

Childish: _Very rarely._

"Always."

Independent: _Very much so._

"Not when it comes to homework.

Emotionally stable: _Er... Sorta. _

"Compared to Dumbledore? Yes."

Thirsty: _Rarely_  
"You drank out of the lake after Quidditch practice!"

"Once."  
"Every time!"

Talkative: _Indeed I am._

"Can never shut this boy up."

Reliable: _As always._

"Hate to be your dream killer but no, you aren't.

Do you:

"How long is this bloody thing Sirius?!?"

"Come on James! Hold in there!"

"The lights are getting darker, I think I'm losing consciousness…" James cried as he started falling to the ground. Sirius nearly turned over the couch jumping behind it, and faking trying to get James to speak.

"Hold in there! James! NOOO!!!" The Common Room was growing tired of the noises in the area around the Marauders. They all felt the death-wishing glares and decided to act properly from now on. Sirius went back to the questions. Only about two hundred and thirty nine left.

Have a boat: _That's a stupid question._

"Yet I see you're not going to answer it."

"It's too stupid to be worth my time."

"I could say the same about you."

Have a pool: _Only in my drug induced dreams._

"I'm guessing that's all of them."

Sleep nude: _People who do that scare me. A LOT._

Have a waterbed: _What are you implying?_

"That they want to come and take you in your sleep. What else?"

"NOOO!"

Like cookies: _Who the Hell doesn't?_

Have a watch: _I prefer trusting my personal keen sense of direction._

"I'm not even going to say anything."

Sing in the shower: _If I did I would be mobbed by adoring fans._

"More like Moony would chuck operating fans at you."

"Hey guys, how many fans could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck fans?"

"You better stop right there."

Keep a photo album: _There are these awesome storage things called brains. You can even keep memories there._

"Wow. Who knew?"

Drink water: _Sorta need to. It's a necessity to do what I like to call live._

"Same goes for oxygen."

Have You Ever:

Gotten a tattoo: _In a place where only Moony is allowed to see._

"Thanks, that makes me feel so special."

Sky dived: _Do broom sticks count?_

"Only if you're thinking about the time you fell off."

"That never happened."

Skinny-dipped: _With James._

"More like he threw me into the lake, naked. It was bloody January!"

"Oh! He did that to you too? Join the club. Hi, I'm the President, you can be Residing Vice Chairman of the Board."

Gotten your tongue stuck to a cold pole: _Not by my own will._

"It was hilarious seeing him try to yell for help. 'efhpah e! efhpah e!'"

Played truth or dare? - _Of course._

"Only your twisted version where Truth is not an option."

"Hey! Remus! The same thing runs true in all of life's trials!"

Flashed someone: _There is only one person who I flash._

"You liar! Just this morning you walked into Transfiguration, yelled 'Tada!', and opened your cloak!"

Set anything on fire: _Everything anyone gives to me. That's why I can never turn in homework._

"Or let anyone else turn in theirs with out singe marks."

"I told you that was an accident!"

"37 BLOODY TIMES SIRIUS!!! 37!!!"

Eaten snow: _What kind of question is that?_

"One that you are unwilling or unable to answer."

Puked on someone you really liked: _No._

"You bleeding wanker! You puked on me in fifth year!"

"Oh Happy Day! Finally he admits he likes me!"

"I DID NO SUCH THING!!!"

Eaten pure sugar: _I plead the fifth._

"What in God's name are you talking about?"

"Ever heard of the Declaration of the United States? Good read, check it out some time."

Had sushi: _Raw fish really not my thing._

"You eat it all the time in Padfoot form."

Had déjà vu: _Haven't I already had this question?_

"No."

"_Peter_, you ruin every single joke I try to make."

Used all cuss words in a sentence: _Never really tried. _

"You came really close last year. You should've seen Slughorn's face."

"Between us, he congratulated me after class."

How long can you hold a piece of ice in your mouth: _Until it turns into water._

"What kind of answer is that?"

When was the last time someone unattractive kissed you: _Does Malfoy count as unattractive? He certainly qualifies as repulsive._

"Malfoy kissed you?!?"

"No. Yes. Never. All the time. When no one's watching. In public."

Do you have any current relationships: No, but I can dream can't I?

"Only until Moony smacks you."

Sirius looked proudly down at his completed survey. "Now! To mail it off!" Upon hearing this, a darkly colored owl flew in to the window and landed by Sirius, awaiting the parchment. He attached the thick roll to the owl's legs and carried him over to the window. After he let the bird go it dropped to the ground, flapping madly. Eventually it was able to get off the ground and deliver the paper.

The next morning Severus Snape was not present in any of his classes. Rumors quickly spread that he was a pervert who kept the dead bodies of children in his basement, made out with Malfoy, and had a long time obsession with Remus Lupin.

_A/N: A quick pre-thank you to anyone who is going to tell me that the 5__th__ Amendment is in the Constitution and not the Declaration of Independence. I know that. I passed Am. Gov. with a 97 thank you. I just thought I would combine the titles. P.S. Still looking for a TR. Tah!-v_


	5. The Pervert Test

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

The Pervert Test

"Who's ready to play another game?" Sirius practically flounced over to where Remus, James and Peter were trying to finish Professor Rorret's inhumanely long assignment. James, exasperated, fell back onto the couch with his hands rubbing his eye.

"Please Sirius, for the love of God, No." Sirius, pouting a bit, walked over to James and hovered above his head.

"It's not so much a game, per say as it is a test."

James opened his eyes and glared at Sirius. "Rorret is giving us one of those tomorrow, I have no desire to do another thank you."

Sirius began pouting even more and little tears welled up in the corners of his eyes. Remus started to feel bad for him. He sighed, "how long is the test going to take?"

Sirius brightened slightly. "Only a few minutes."

"Then I'm sure we can spare the time." James looked appalled.

"I can't believe you Moony! You're too easy on him!"

Sirius leapt into Remus' lap and hugged him strongly by the neck. "And that's why I love him more than you!" Remus responded by dumping him on the floor.

"If this takes more than 'a few minutes' I am, personally, going to kill you." Sirius nodded in understanding. "Now, how do you do the test?" He cheered and jumped into explanation.

"It's called the Pervert Test." Everyone looked around warily at each other. Only Sirius would think of something like this. "You listen to a conversation with your eyes closed. The longer you can go without opening your eyes, making a weird face or turning around and asking what the people are talking about the less perverted you are."

"What if you fall asleep during the conversation?" Peter asked.

"Why my good man, that means you are incredibly boring. Ok who's ready to begin?" They hesitated, then nodded carefully. "Right then! Remus you go in that corner, Peter go over there, James take that area and I'll stay here." Peter protested.

"Why do you get to stay here?"

"Because I'm the one that made up this test. Now fly off my little ducklings and do my bidding!" They all took their corners, sat down and closed their eyes. Remus was the first to decipher something interesting from all the mumbling.

"Ohh…Isn't it cuuute. Can I pet it Roger?"

"Be careful Persephone, it may bite." _Must be talking about an animal of some sort._

"I'm sure it won't. Ouch!" _I can't deal with this stupidity, I may just kill them or myself before this test is over._

Peter was listening to his chosen conversation, but was not comprehending more than the occasional word. "But what if the Athene cunicularai was armed with a metal alloy weapon forty seven percent aluminum, twenty six percent galvanized steel, and twenty seven percent pure iron ore at curve angle fifteen degrees per talon extension?"

"Well then, obviously, the poor little bugger could take on any avitorily based animal, even the Stix nebulosa. The guy wouldn't have a chance. But without the metal alloy talon extenders the Athene cunicularia would be dissected in roughly seven point five seconds."

"How about a Nyctea scandiaca versus a Corvus corax?"

"Day or night?"

"The Nyctea scandiaca would have the easy advantage of night, so dawn."

"Well the Corvus corax would want to expend as much time as possible on defensive behavior, the Nyctea scandiaca wastes it's precious energy, and eventually gets blinded by Helios, then the Corvus corax wins easy."

"They can only interact for forty eight minutes. Neither has an outweighing chance to effectively defeat the other. Who's worse off?"

"Depending on the lighting conditions upon when said allotted time is begun, the Corvus corax is the loser."

Peter had no idea what they were conversing about other than they were talking about putting bets on things fighting. James was doing better. He knew what the people were conversing about, but no idea what they were talking about.

"OH MY GOD! NO WAY!"

"YEA WAY!"

"Uh huh."

"Huh uh."

"Nah!"

"Yah!"

"Then like what did he, like, do, like, ya know?"

"Ok. He totally like, did what I, like, soooo like, told him to not, like, do! Then ya know he got all like maaaad at me, like, like, I had ya know done something like wrong. And I was all like 'whatever' all coooool like ya know? And he like was like 'whatever' right back at me. So then I was soooo like 'Whatever!' So he was soooo like 'Whaaaatever!' So then I like said like ya know, 'What. like Ever.' Then like I like ya knooooow like walked away all cooooool like ya know?"

"OH MY GOD! NO WAY!"

"YEA WAY!"

"Uh huh."

"Huh uh."

"Nah!"

"Yah!"

James started hitting his head against the wall, he picked it up a few inches off the chair headrest, then let in fall, freely allowing it to hit the maroon wall. Then picking it up again and repeating the process. He had opened his eyes and was waiting until he knocked himself unconscious.

"OH MY GOD! NO WAY!"

"YEA WAY!"

"Uh huh."

"Huh uh."

"Nah!"

"Yah!"

Remus had heard enough from his testing subjects to know that he wasn't going to hear anything remotely perverted. He opened his eyes, pulled himself up and went to go get Peter. He was staring blankly at the ceiling, almost in a trance-like state. Remus managed to get him out of it and stand up. They looked around for the other poor soul subjected to the pointless test. James got up shakily and stumbled over to them. His hanging mouth slowly formed words. "I think I've just been turned gay." Both of them decided not to ask what he had just been forced to listen to.

Remus turned to Sirius. He was sitting on the couch his eyes wide and filled with abject terror. None of them wanted to know, but Remus had to know. He slowly walked over to Sirius and softly asked him, "what did you hear Sirius?"

He didn't turn to look at any of them. "They were talking about…about…" He trailed off.

"About what Sirius?" Now the rest of them were curious. _What would strike so much fear into the great Sirius Black?_

"They were talking about…" he whispered the last word, _"tampons."_


	6. Never Have I Ever

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Never Have I Ever

"Never have I ever had a girl willingly let me kiss her." Sirius put down a finger. Remus glanced up at James then at Sirius, hoping he would answer his silent question. Sirius also looked at James, before responding.

"It's this little thing we do when there's nothing else. He started it during Quidditch practices to distract the team. They have to keep track of their score." Remus followed Sirius, but was beginning to get confused. Sirius kept going. "Every person starts with ten points. Most people hold up their fingers to keep score. Now we go around in a circle and say 'Never have I ever' then something the person has honestly never done. For example, if Person A says, 'Never have I ever eaten chocolate ice cream' you would put down a finger. The person with the last point wins."

"Ok." Remus nodded in understanding. "Never have I ever," he paused, thinking. "Gone a week without chocolate." James and Sirius both put down fingers. Sirius was next.

"Never have I ever dated a girl for more than three weeks." No one put down fingers. "Oh come on, are you guys serious?!?" Peter nodded.

"No one asks me out, James only wants to date Lily, and Remus turns down every girl that asks him. Never have I ever dated someone." Remus and Sirius both put down fingers. Sirius was confused.

"I thought you turned down all the girls that asked you?!?" Remus blushed lightly and turned away. "Moony! Fine, I'll ask you later." It went back to James.

"Never have I ever dated…"

"You guys suck ass."

James continued despite Sirius' interruption. "A girl." Sirius alone put down a finger. It went back to Remus.

"Never have I ever dated-"

"I hope you die."

"Thank you, I hope so too. Someone less than three weeks." Sirius put down yet another finger. He had one hand left. And now he was out for revenge.

"Never have I ever not dated!" Peter and James put down a finger each. Peter didn't say anything, he was try into think of something that he had never been able to do.

"Never have I ever gotten full credit on a test." Everyone else put down a finger. James had seven, Sirius four, Remus eight, and Peter had the most left with nine. James was contemplating his next Never.

"Never have I ever been hurt by my family." He immediately regretted his statement as Sirius and Remus both put down fingers. Sirius glaring fiercely at the space above James, and Remus hanging his head, staring at the ground muttering.

"It wasn't their fault."

There was a long tense pause in which James was debating whether or not he should call off the game. But he couldn't, the cut had been made and everyone was now infected. It needed to repair.

"Never have I ever failed a test." Remus looked up with a slight smile. It only got wider as the others each put down a finger. Sirius mirrored the grin as he vocalized his Never.

"Never have I ever consumed excessive sugar for more than two days in row." The other three slowly dropped a precious point. It soon spread and Peter gave James an evil glance before saying his.

"Never have I ever gone skinny dipping." James looked ready to smack him as he went down to four, Remus went to one full hand.

"You know that was against my will. HE," James pointed to Sirius, "forced me, naked and screaming into the lake! It was bloody freezing!" James abruptly went silent as he tried to think of something that would take down both Sirius and Peter in one fell swoop. Coming up empty handed he chose to go after Peter alone, he had more fingers than Sirius. "Never have I ever hung out with a pack of rats 'just for the fun of it'." Peter looked hurt, then conceded and lowered his score.

Remus hadn't been paying much attention, and was in his own little world thinking. "Never have I ever been in the mouth of a wolf." Peter glared at him too and put down another finger. Sirius decided to join in the fun.

"Never have I ever experienced the fear of a prey animal." He killed a deer and rat with one stone. Remus had five, Peter four, and James had one more than Sirius' two. Now Peter and Remus were fair game, however, it was Peter's turn.

"Never have I unwillingly changed form on a regular schedule."

"Good lord, Pete, why not just say you're not a werewolf and save the rest of us our hearing." Sirius bit while Remus went down to four. James was ready with his.

"Never have I ever sucked up to all of my teachers on one day."

Remus was deeply struck. "It was for the O.W.L.s. They grade extra hard for those! Every point counts!"

"Whatever. You now have three. Just like me!"

"Fine. Never have I ever changed Professor Slughorn into an actual slug by having my potion explode." Peter grudgingly laid down another finger. Sirius wanted everyone to get on more even ground so he decided to take Peter down yet another notch.

"Never have I ever frozen the Whomping Willow with my bare hands," he paused, "paws. Whichever." James and Peter both put down fingers while James started muttering about how he had done it on a dare.

It was Peter redemption. "Never have I ever been taller than five foot five inches." It was a sad, pathetic and Peter-like way to get back at someone. James had to come up with a way to retaliate.

"Never have I ever remained at five foot five inches for more than one month." Peter put down his finger. He joined Sirius and James at one point while Remus had two. It was Remus' turn and he wanted to knock off as many as possible.

"Never have I ever directly humiliated, embarrassed, hurt, tortured, or pained Snape intentionally." Everyone was out of the game. Remus leapt off the couch smiling and went to go reward himself with chocolate. Unbeknownst to him, the other three had charmed it so when it was bitten into, it would bite back.


	7. Don't Think Dirty

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I did not write the 'don't think dirty' test. I'm not positive who wrote it. If one of you readers do know please send me a message, I would like to give credit where credit is due. Thank you.

Warning!!!: This chapter specifically is rated M for language. I will be putting out another version rated T. If any of you evil people out there are going to go to the admins and say that this collection of short stories is improperly rated, I am telling you right now: this chapter is rated M for language. Thank you.

Don't Think Dirty

"Remus I owe you big for this one. This will get Sirius back for that Pervert Test he gave us. Five minutes of 'OH MY GOD! NO WAY! YEAH WAY!' is enough to turn any man insane."

"Or gay. It was no problem, I just had to be creative. And one of Pince's unabridged dictionaries. How much are you going to bet that Sirius is going to hate us after this?"

"5 Galleons." Remus and James shook on it and continued their way to the Common Room.

"Hey Sirius," he was lying down on the couch with his head on the armrest, reading a letter with light interest. He nodded to James as he and Remus sat on the two chairs that were positioned on either side of Sirius' couch. "We have a little game of our own." He and Remus exchanged glances. "It's really more of a test per say. All you have to do is say the first word that comes into your mind. It's really simple."

Sirius looked skeptical but agreed to do the test. James began to act very businesslike as he pulled out and unraveled the piece of parchment Remus had given to him. "Now, what is a four letter word that ends in 'k' and means the same as intercourse?" Sirius looked back and forth between James and Remus wondering if was allowed to say what he was thinking. Remus nodded.

"Fuck." James nodded and marked a note on his parchment. They continued.

"What do cows have four of that women only have two?"

"Tits." A weird look from Remus.

"What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head, and people love so much they often blow it?"

"Dick." Another note.

"What word starts with an 'f' and ends in 'u-c-k'?"

Sirius looked weird as though saying 'how stupid are you', but gave an answer all the same. "Fuck." More notes.

"What does a dog do that a person can step into?"

"Shits." Yet another note on that God forsaken piece of parchment.

"What four letter word begins with 'f' and ends with 'k' and if you can't get one you use your hands?"

"Fuck."

"What is hard, six inches long, has nuts, and can make a girl fat?"

"Dick."

"What four letter word ends in 'i-t' and is found on the bottom of birdcages?"

"Shit."

"What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his spouse after they're married?

"Dick."

James finished his writings and now turned to Remus. "Your turn." Sirius had a feeling of dread, but was not about to turn tail and run away. That was simply not the Black way. "What is a four letter word that ends in 'k' and means the same as intercourse?"

"Talk."

"What do cows have four of that women only have two?"

"Legs."

"What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head, and people love so much they often blow it?"

"Money."

"What word starts with an 'f' and ends in 'u-c-k'?"

"Firetruck."

"What does a dog do that a person can step into?"

"Pants."

"What four letter word begins with 'f' and ends with 'k' and if you can't get one you use your hands?"

"Fork."

"What is hard, six inches long, has nuts, and can make a girl fat?"

"A candy bar."

"What four letter word ends in 'i-t' and is found on the bottom of birdcages?"

"Grit."

"What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his spouse after they're married?

"Surname."

James now turned to Sirius, Remus mimicked him. It would've been funny if not for the fear Sirius was feeling. "You see Sirius, the test was designed to test the pervertedness of any one individual. Right now you seem to be a perfect match for a person named Severus Snape. I do hope you two enjoy your time together. He will meet at the back of the green houses at noon tomorrow. Do be nice and enjoy! Bye!" He and Remus got up simultaneously and let James' words sink in. They were about half way up the staircase when they heard Sirius screaming 'nooooo'. Oh how sweet revenge truly is when used on friends.


	8. Don't Think Dirty edited version

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I did not write the 'don't think dirty' test. I'm not positive who wrote it. If one of you readers do know please send me a message, I would like to give credit where credit is due. Thank you.

Warning!!!: This chapter specifically is rated T. The chapter before this was rated M for language, I am assuming that those of you who chose to read this version are either wondering if anything is significantly different in this chapter or do not want to read M rated material, for that I thank you. Thank you.

Don't Think Dirty(edited version)

"Remus I owe you big for this one. This will get Sirius back for that Pervert Test he gave us. Five minutes of 'OH MY GOD! NO WAY! YEAH WAY!' is enough to turn any man insane."

"Or gay. It was no problem, I just had to be creative. And one of Pince's unabridged dictionaries. How much are you going to bet that Sirius is going to hate us after this?"

"5 Galleons." Remus and James shook on it and continued their way to the Common Room.

"Hey Sirius," he was lying down on the couch with his head on the armrest, reading a letter with light interest. He nodded to James as he and Remus sat on the two chairs that were positioned on either side of Sirius' couch. "We have a little game of our own." He and Remus exchanged glances. "It's really more of a test per say. All you have to do is say the first word that comes into your mind. It's really simple."

Sirius looked skeptical but agreed to do the test. James began to act very businesslike as he pulled out and unraveled the piece of parchment Remus had given to him. "Now, what is a four letter word that ends in 'k' and means the same as intercourse?" Sirius looked back and forth between James and Remus wondering if was allowed to say what he was thinking. Remus nodded.

"F." James nodded and marked a note on his parchment. They continued.

"What do cows have four of that women only have two?"

"T." A weird look from Remus.

"What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head, and people love so much they often blow it?"

"D." Another note.

"What word starts with an 'f' and ends in 'u-c-k'?"

Sirius looked weird as though saying 'how stupid are you', but gave an answer all the same. "F." More notes.

"What does a dog do that a person can step into?"

"S." Yet another note on that God forsaken piece of parchment.

"What four letter word begins with 'f' and ends with 'k' and if you can't get one you use your hands?"

"F."

"What is hard, six inches long, has nuts, and can make a girl fat?"

"D."

"What four letter word ends in 'i-t' and is found on the bottom of birdcages?"

"S."

"What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his spouse after they're married?

"D."

James finished his writings and now turned to Remus. "Your turn." Sirius had a feeling of dread, but was not about to turn tail and run away. That was simply not the Black way. "What is a four letter word that ends in 'k' and means the same as intercourse?"

"Talk."

"What do cows have four of that women only have two?"

"Legs."

"What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head, and people love so much they often blow it?"

"Money."

"What word starts with an 'f' and ends in 'u-c-k'?"

"Firetruck."

"What does a dog do that a person can step into?"

"Pants."

"What four letter word begins with 'f' and ends with 'k' and if you can't get one you use your hands?"

"Fork."

"What is hard, six inches long, has nuts, and can make a girl fat?"

"A candy bar."

"What four letter word ends in 'i-t' and is found on the bottom of birdcages?"

"Grit."

"What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his spouse after they're married?

"Surname."

James now turned to Sirius, Remus mimicked him. It would've been funny if not for the fear Sirius was feeling. "You see Sirius, the test was designed to test the pervertedness of any one individual. Right now you seem to be a perfect match for a person named Severus Snape. I do hope you two enjoy your time together. He will meet at the back of the green houses at noon tomorrow. Do be nice and enjoy! Bye!" He and Remus got up simultaneously and let James' words sink in. They were about half way up the staircase when they heard Sirius screaming 'nooooo'. Oh how sweet revenge truly is when used on friends.


	9. Would You Rather

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I must give my thanks to wHoS rAb for doing a little research for me. Thank you.

Would You Rather

It was another late morning and no one had anything to do. It was storming badly outside so Quidditch practice was cancelled, Remus had made sure they had all finished their homework the night before, Peter was too tired to go for a kitchen run and went to bed for a nap, and Sirius was too lazy to do anything that involved movement. Remus finally decided to break the silence. "Would you rather fight a centaur or a unicorn?"

"Unicorn. They aren't as confrontational as centaurs." Sirius responded.

"Centaurs. They're easier to negotiate with." James answered, eyes closed. "Would you rather sleep on nails or coals?"

Remus looked contemplative before he gave his decision. "I would rather sleep on the coals because both the human skin and the wooden coals make for poor heat conductors."

Sirius disagreed. "I would prefer sleeping on the nails, depending on their sharpness, length, and how many there are." It was his turn now. "Would you rather be blind or deaf?" Again, Remus answered first.

"Blind. I would much rather keep my ability to hear music than see pretty colors." James took the other side.

"I would choose to keep my sight. That way I could continue to play Quidditch." Remus was the next one to come up with a question.

"Would you rather scoop out one of your own eyes or hammer a nail into both of your knee caps?" Sirius looked disgusted at the thought.

"Why is that you come up with these weird options?"

Remus shrugged, not able to think of an explanation.

Sirius thought for a bit before deciding. "I would nail my own kneecaps, and I'm pretty sure James would do the same thing. The whole 'I got to play Quidditch' mentality."

James nodded to what Sirius was saying until he insulted him about the Quidditch. James glared at him, waiting to hear his 'would you rather'. "Would you rather be stabbed or shot?"

"Talk about weird. Remus wasn't bad compared to that imagery." James wrinkled his nose at the two scenarios put before him. "I guess I would rather be shot. It'll be over sooner." Remus knew it was his turn to give Sirius his choice, but he had to go against James' reasoning.

"Being stabbed would be easier. If I were shot the bullet would do more internal damage than being stabbed. The bullet could break into shards inside me that would be very bad." Remus was ready with his question. "Would you rather lose a hand or both feet?"

James looked appalled. "We would both much rather lose both feet than our hands!" Sirius gave a strong nod in concurrence. "Would you rather eat flobberworms or a potion made by Snivellus?" Both answered immediately.

"Flobberworms." "Potion." Sirius and Remus looked at each other.

"Why would you eat flobberworms?"

"Why in that crazy head of yours would you trust Snivelly?!?"

"Because I trust him not to make a poison, unlike you. You would poison me just to see what would happen."

"We would not!" James interjected, then he looked over at Sirius and they shared the same kind of evil smirk. "But, just for the sake of science, you would let us try it right?" Remus turned to look at him with a fierce glare. After he felt he had sufficiently punished James he shifted his glare to Sirius.

"Continue." He hissed so quietly that both boys had to strain their ears to hear it.

Sirius swallowed and paused, trying to think of something. "Would you rather walk blindfolded off a cliff or through a raging river?"

James opened his mouth before Remus. "I would walk off the cliff. Falling to my death seems more pleasant than drowning." Remus glanced up at him as though he had suddenly spouted a few extra appendages.

"That just proves that you're depressed. Who says you're going to die? True, jumping off a cliff is more deadly than a raging river. I would take on the river instead."

"Well, that just proves that you're stupid." James said, almost in a mocking fashion. "If I'm going to die I would much rather splatter on some rock, than have my lungs take in water." Remus looked put off, but he wasn't one to take such attitude lightly.

"You're weak. You want the easiest way out, you never fight for your life, to survive." James began fuming at that. He suddenly jumped up and pointed at Sirius.

"That is who you should be saying all those things to! HE is the one who never fought for anything in his life! Everything is just handed to him!"

"SHUT UP JAMES!!!" But it wasn't Sirius who said it. Remus had jumped to his friend's defense sooner than Sirius himself. "You don't know what he's had to fight against! What his mum did to him! What his father would say and do when no one was looking! Just shut up about what you don't know!"

"What I don't know!?!" James began getting louder and louder. Soon everyone in the Common Room was turning to see what had happened. "Who's house did he stay at Remus?!? When he had no where else to go?!? Who did tell all of his little secrets to in the middle of the night?!? Was that you!?! NO! It was me!"

"Shut up, James." This time it was Sirius who said it. Both of the other boys turned to look at him. "As much as I _love _having my private life shouted to the entire Gryffindor House, I would very much appreciate if we could just get on with this lovely little game." He glared at the two until they sat down, looking at least a little bit ashamed at themselves. "Now, whose turn is it?"

Remus looked at the floor, thinking before he lifted it with a slight grin. He had always wanted to get back at Sirius for that stupid game. "Would you rather screw Snape or marry him?"

"Is killing him an option?" Both Remus and Sirius fell into laughter at James question. He couldn't help but suddenly think of his own. "Would you rather face, wandless, Snivelly or Malfoy?"

"I wouldn't trust either of them not to somehow force me to put some appendage in some hole." The laughter just got louder the more that Sirius said. "What if one of them figured out the spell that literally makes you stick your foot in your mouth?" They gradually settled down. Sirius finally put forth his 'would you rather'.

"Would rather lose your mum or your dad?"

Neither boy had a response.

"I would rather lose both of them if it were me. Doesn't really matter either way."

The silence was deafening.


	10. Madlibs

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

I would like to dedicate this chapter to Zack, Natalie, and Alley for making all of those long hours on the bus fly by with these madlibs. Much love to you all.

Madlibs

"Finished!" James announced proudly, looking at the piece of parchment before him. The others looked over at him, none of whom wanted to ask James what was finished. Last time it turned out to be a drawing of Snape that dressed him in different outfits complete with makeup. It had been funny until it exploded.

Remus sighed in defeat. "What did you finish?"

"Give me a verb."

Sirius gave James a weird look. "What?"

"A verb. Give me one."

"ummm…"

"Hit." Peter piped up. James scribbled it down.

"Verb."

"Run." Sirius offered.

"Noun."

"Plane." James looked up at Remus' word.

"What the Hell is that?"

"It's a muggle invention that allows them to fly from place to place. It uses aerodynamics and…never mind." Remus trailed off seeing the blank faces of his friends.

"Right. Now then, a noun."

"Pig."

"I hope you die Sirius." Peter glared at Sirius.

Sirius looked offended. "I wasn't referring to you Peter! I was talking about Moony's fat ass. I mean, have you seen it recently? It's huge!"

"And how would you know what my ass looks like?" Remus saw the smirk growing on Sirius' face and changed his mind. "Don't answer. Do and I'll kill you. And please stop trying to convince everyone that we are a couple. I'm sick of other guys hitting on me."

"But it's ok if I hit on you right?"

"I hope you die, Sirius Black."

"Oi! Can I get a noun over here."

"Toilet."

"Adjective."

"Sandy."

"Verb ending in 'ing'."

"Going."

"Another adjective."

"Mushy."

"Noun."

"Poop."

"Why? Forget it. I don't want to know. Adjective."

"Brown."

"Noun."

"Sock."

"Verb ending in 'ed'."

"Zapped."

"Plural noun."

"What's that?'

"Don't worry Peter. It's ok. Balloons."

"Past tense verb."

"Cut."

"Noun."

"Lead."

"Verb ending in 'ing'."

"Dying."

"Noun."

"Cow." Everyone looked at Sirius. "What? It's a good word!"

"Adjective."

"Orange."

"Noun."

"Cat."

"Another noun."

"Signs."

"Verb."

"Drop."

"And a noun."

"Onions."

James read through the parchment and felt a smile pulling at his mouth. Oh how fun these are. He cleared his throat. "Ahem.

'How to Make a Pizza'

To make a pizza you must first _hit_ the dough. Once you have _run_ the _plane_, you can put it in the _pig_. After you take the _toilet_ out, you put _sandy_, _going_, and _mushy_ _poop_ inside the _brown_ _sock_. Once that is thoroughly _zapped_ you can put on the final _balloons_. Sprinkle the top with _cut_ _lead_, _dying_ _cow_, _orange_ _cat_, and _signs_. _Drop_ and enjoy. The _onions_."

There was a silence until Sirius said, "me next! I want to do one!"

Peter had a weird look on his face until he asked. "You put a run plane inside a pig?"

"That's the point of these things. They're not supposed to make sense."

"Done!"

"That was fast Sirius."

"But I'm not always fast if you don't want me to be." Sirius raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"Get on with it before I decide to castrate you."

They spent the next few hours coming up with funny little stories. After a long laugh they decided to send in a few stories to be published. Even after they sweet talked and threatened the publishers they still got no results, so they got their revenge by posting the stories all over Hogwarts. Filch was, unfortunately, unable to remove them thanks to a sticking charm. The students of Hogwarts found them so entertaining they copied the stories and read them during class, for a little laugh.

How the World is Going to End

The world is going to end on October 26th, 3200. It will be a Friday. Malfoy will be responsible. First, snakes will fall from a mushy sky. The zebras will open up and singing diapers will escape and wreck hamsters on all of the toilets. Longbottom will try to shoot Malfoy, but Longbottom will fail superstitiously. Everyone will attack painfully and soon the world will be consumed by silly squirrels. The peaches.

Double Oh Yea!

Sirius woke up on a striped morning to the call of James. "Sirius, the evil Dr. Church is about to turn everyone in the world into platypuses! You must stop him!"

"Oh Yea!" Said Sirius. He took his yamaca gun and chocolatey chicken and went to stop this crunchy deed. When he got there, he played Dr. Church. The world was saved and slimy again. The pancreas.

Soap Opera

Once upon a brick, a young man named Snape met with his girlfriend. "Oh my sweet whale. I am sorry, but I cannot fly you anymore. I am in love with somebody else. But you will always be circular to me. I will never forget the first time our ears choked. I just found have a new foxhole to love now."

"Who is this lovely person?" Asked his girlfriend stupidly.

"Sirius."

The sunglasses.

James' Childhood/Life/Death

James was born from Sirius, the spouse of Snape on the very smelly night of April 73rd 1492. His parents were very proud of their blue child. Sirius shouted "Hey Baby!" when James came into the world.

When he was sixteen, Snape brought home a pet lyger. James named it Remus. Remus later died because James popped on it. James then died 5 million days later. 31 people came to his funeral. The pimple.

The Marriage of James & Malfoy

James & Malfoy got hitched on a sunny night in June. Peter was the flower girl and Lily was the ring bearer. Remus was the Black Pope. Lily started crying when Remus declared James & Malfoy, toilet cleaner & nose picker.

After the wedding all of the piggies threw rice at the dewy couple. James & Malfoy got into the purple limo. The two enjoyed their honeymoon in Seattle, Russia. And they lived grande-ily ever after. The muscular cats.


	11. You Know What I Mean

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Petter. Pottet. Potter. (God, finally. I literally went through all of these spellings. I thought they were weird so I kept them in here.)

A/N: This is a bit of a fan service chapter to anyone who likes RL/SB. Specifically to Padfootatheart and anyadelacour(I'm not sure if anya wanted more, but she asked if there would be more…) If it gets to suggestive, PLEASE TELL ME!!! This story is not slash! I just love poking fun at it. You know, letting people believe what they want. By the way, if I got the bases wrong, someone tell me what they are. I was going off of what I've been told.

This chapter is also dedicated to any and all Monty Python fans who find the reference hidden in here. Those who find it get to have me write a story just for them. GOOD LUCK!

You Know What I Mean

Remus leaned back from the table the marauders were working at and stretched his arms back. "I finally finished my homework."

"If you know what I mean…" Sirius looked at Remus out of the corner of his eye and smirked at Remus' confused and 'what's wrong with you?' expression. Sirius fully faced Remus and put his arm on the back of his chair as Remus returned to his original position. "You see Remsykins, if I can call you that,"

"You can't-"

"I've learned that if you add 'if you know what I mean' to the end of any phrase, it makes it perverted and risqué. For example: Remsykins just finished his homework, if you know what I mean."

"No I don't. What are you implying?"

James leaned over to Remus, but kept his eyes on the star chart he was doing. "He's trying to say that you just came, you finished masturbating." Remus' mouth fell and he looked at Sirius like he had just killed a puppy.

"Sirius Obsidian Black!"

"No no no no no! It can be taken any way you want! Perversion is in the mind of the beholder! James just chose it to take on that meaning! You didn't understand, you took the statement to mean that the assignments you had been given by the teachers had been successfully and properly completed. You see?"

"Fine, I guess you're forgiven. Just never do it again."

Sirius' face skewed up in a disgusted fashion. "Ewww! Remus that's a horrible thing to say." Realization slowly dawned on the others' faces as they figured out what Sirius meant. Remus blushed slightly, before smacking Sirius.

"Sirius you pervert!"

"OW! Oi! What was that for?!?"

"For thinking those horrible thoughts."

"I just said it. You're the pervert for taking it that way. So that smack was unjustified. That means I get to pay you back tonight, if you know what I mean." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Go kill yourself Sirius, if you know what I mean."

"See! You've got it now!" He turned his focus to James, and stared at him intently, chin resting on his fingers. "So. James. How are things with Lily?"

"I rather not go into that right now." James was still working on his star chart. He kept looking back between Raging Balls of Fire and his inked parchment.

"It's ok, you can tell me. Have you gotten to 95th base with her? Nods as good as a wink to a blind bat."

James paused, his quill hovering over his parchment, a near complete drop of ink hanging from the tip. "If you must know, we've made it to 190th base."

"If you know what I mean."

"No, Sirius, I don't. If you would please include the rest of us in your little underground conversation it would be very much appreciated."

Peter decided to enlighten Remus to what Sirius and James were talking about. "Sirius has recently discovered the strange American pass time of baseball. There is relationship slang associated with the bases. Getting to first base means that you have kissed the other person. Second, I believe, is full on making out, touching and everything. Third is ummm, well, how would you say this delicately…"

"It's oral." Sirius interrupted him. "And a homerun is bedding the other person." He gave a little smile. "If you know what I mean."

"Well, our Sirius here," Peter continued, "he took the bases and put them by wicket bases, or points if you will. It required some math and I'm sure it took him a long time to do it."

Sirius glared at Peter ad growled under his breath. "You better shut your trap you little rat before I do it for you."

"If you know what I mean." They all turned to Remus, who looking a bit proud of himself. "That's what you get Padfoot."

Sirius looked about ready to burst into tears. He leapt over and hugged Remus around the shoulders. "I'm so happy! Our little Resykins is all grown up! He's a man now!" He fell out of Remus' arms and landed on the table, spread eagle, trying his best to be enticing. "Oh, please, take me now you raging beast!"

Remus stood quickly and collected his belongings as his voice began rising in volume. "Sirius I hope you go die in a ditch somewhere. I'm so sick of this! I'll have you know Marcus Wexley asked to go to Hogsmeade with him! And to meet him at the tea shop! The evil, pink tea shop run by Satan!" And he started striding away.

Sirius called loudly after him so the whole Library could hear. "Does this mean we're breaking up?" Everyone in earshot turned to look at the two boys.

"Go castrate yourself Black!" Remus turned away from Sirius and he stormed out of the Library.

Sirius glanced around at all of the people staring at him. "Don't worry," he said loudly. "The makeup sex is great!" The poor guy didn't even have a chance against the large volume book that was chucked at his head.


	12. The Bleep Game

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

A/N: You guys have no idea how amazing it is to get reviews for this. I took me a total of five hours to take this story from idea to posted chapter. I love you all so much!!! In response to a few requests, I have decided to back off Remus/Sirius dialogue. Not completely! But just less of it. After the last few paragraphs of You Know What I Mean I think we all need a breather. So I am now, very pleased, to introduce…

The Bleep Game

"Hey Sirius." James hissed to his friend. Sirius glanced over. His movements slowed due to the feeling of lethargy he experienced every time he sat down in Binns' history class.

"What?"

"Wanna play the Bleep Game?" James' eyes shone. The light spread to Sirius and soon both boys were wearing identical grins of mischief.

Remus was sitting in the front rapidly taking four sets of notes because he knew none of the other boys would have the ability to. "So, in 1357," Binns prattled on, "the Great Flobberworm Revolt ended in massive-"

"Bleep."

Remus whipped around to see who had made him miss a very important word, but all he could see was James playing tic-tac-toe against Sirius. Both boys with glazed over looks. Remus turned back around and tried to put together what he had missed from what he was hearing.

"The Flobberworms realized that they could not-"

"Bleep!" This time it was louder and higher pitched. Remus flinched, but refused to acknowledge the annoying sound further. Some of the students were shaken out of their trance like naps by the loud piercing sound.

"-the Chimeras. So, they received help from the Winsle Pixies and Nueyras. Nueyras are a very strange species that are known for their ability to-"

"Bllleeeeeep." This was perhaps the highest note Remus had ever heard. It was quickly followed by stifled laughter from the rest of the class. Remus whipped around again hoping to find whoever was doing this, but when his search proved fruitless, he returned to taking notes.

"The flobberworms of the Great Flobberworm Revolt were really ancestors of today's flobberworms. In those days, flobberworms were actually pretty-" "Bleep" "-ing intelligent. They were able to-" "Bleep" "-and-" "Bleep" "With other species. This resulted in much-" "Bleep" "-s and-" "Bleep" "-s to be-" "Bleep" "-ed."

This went on for about five minutes. Sirius and James glanced at one another and decided to end this game with a bang.

"So as the Nueyras attacked the Chimeras from the air with-" "Bleep." "-ing feathers, the Pixies and flobberworms worked together to-" "Bleep." "-the belly and legs of the Chimeras. This of course resulted in the Chimeras becoming very-" "BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!" The two bleeps were not on the same pitch so the result felt like ten sets of hands scraping their nails on the chalkboard.

Remus snapped. He stood up and jumped up onto his chair and started yelling. "What the Hell is going on?!? Will whoever is doing that please stop before I go bloody crazy and kill you all!!!"

"Remus Lupin!" He turned around to see Professor Binns looking at him angrily. "How dare you disrupt this class! I would like to think that prefects hold themselves to a higher standard! In all my years of teaching I have never met such a disrespectful prefect! Detention tonight, eight o'clock in my office. I hope you can leave your dreadful language in the Gryffindor Tower!"

Remus sat back down looking ashamed at himself. He mumbled a quick, "yes, Professor." Before going back to his notes.

The class ended rather uneventfully, but it was agreed amongst all of the Gryffindors that it had been the best history class ever. They all went to their other classes, and began playing The Bleep Game. And by the end of the day not a single teacher didn't have a class where they got bleeped.

It was after dinner when James and Sirius decided to congratulate each other. "Splendid job Sir Padfoot! The plan went off without a hitch!"

"Ah! But Sir Prongs, you deserve a good notice as well as you started the jolly good ole game." The two burst into laughter as Remus came down from the dorm rooms. He wondered what was so funny. He had a few minutes before he had to leave to go to his detention. Besides, he had to give them the notes from class.

James held up his hands, seeing what Remus was trying to give him. "Sorry Remus. We don't need those."

"Why not?"

James answered him. "We remembered everything from class so we don't need the notes from today. We'll be able to pass the test no problem."

"What's going on?"

"Well, you see here ole Remmy ole pal," Remus' eyes narrowed at Sirius nick name, "Prongs started that little game in class today and it helped us pay attention, so we are able to recall everythi-"

"You're the reason I have a detention tonight?!?" Remus turned to James, his eyes aflame.

"NO! Remus, you need to understand we weren't trying to make you go insane!!!"

"RAAAGGHH!!!" Remus leapt over the back of the couch and pounced on James and started hitting every inch of him he could. Sirius didn't do anything to help stop the fight, but he did pick up his feet when James and Remus rolled towards him. He checked his watch and looked down at Remus, holding onto James hand and making him slap himself. "You ruddy, bleedin' son of a bloody whore of Satan!" Slapping him on every word.

"Hey Remus, it's 7:55 just so you know." Remus paused, as James tried to get his breath. He jumped up and walked away from them. He turned to glare at them as the portrait slid closed.

"You know James," Sirius looked down at his friend, who was sporting a cut lip and two very red cheeks. "I don't think we should play any games in classes with Remus. He gets very aggressive when his education is placed in jeopardy."

"Yeah, no bloody bleep Sherlock." He sat up ad leaned against the couch, looking up at Sirius, who was grinning. "What?"

Sirius' grin grew bigger. "'You ruddy, bleedin' son of a bloody whore of Satan.' I didn't know your dad was Santa Claus."

"Shut up Sirius."

"Can you ask him what I'm getting this Christmas?"


	13. A Secret for a Secret

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

A Secret for a Secret

Peter was sitting by himself in the far corner of the room, fiddling with something in his lap. Remus was curious so he left the eccentric company of James and Sirius and walked over to Peter. "What's wrong?" Peter flinched and looked up at Remus, then shifted his gaze to the corner of his eye.

"It's nothing. I just want to be left alone right now."

Remus was hurt, but he wasn't about to give up. He sat down to Peter's left and watched him calmly. It was obvious that Peter was uncomfortable under Remus' gaze, but at ease with his presence. Remus was trying to figure out what had caused this change in Peter. The only thing Remus could recall was a letter Peter had received that morning. He had seemed happy during their classes, then suddenly depressed for part of their last class, then for dinner.

Remus wanted to find out what was wrong, but he knew he had to do it gracefully. He would have to play a game.

"How about this, Peter. You tell me a secret, then I tell you one. If you don't want to say a secret, I get to ask you a question and you have to answer honestly." Peter looked suspicious, but agreed.

"Can I go first?"

Remus paused, then nodded.

"Um, why were you bitten?"

Remus cut his eye contact with Peter and twitched slightly before answering. "I was bitten because I broke the rules. I wasn't allowed to leave the house after dark, but I had gotten into a huge row with my parents. I was a rather disrespectful five-year-old. I was so angry, I ran out of the house in a rage. The wolf must've been attracted to that anger, and attacked. That's why." Remus had been staring at his folded hands, and dared himself to look up at Peter.

He was leaning back in his chair and staring at the floor as though in a trance. Remus didn't want to disturb him, but he knew he had to.

"Why didn't your parents have any other children?"

Peter didn't move and Remus thought he hadn't heard, but Peter opened his mouth before Remus could repeat himself. "Because I was a 'disappointment.' I was never athletic like James, or handsome like Sirius, or even smart like you. My parents told me I wasn't the child they wanted at a very young age. I suppose I was about three. Afterwards they felt so much guilt, they repented by spoiling me. There was only thing I wanted, that I never got."

"What was it?"

Peter looked up and smiled at Remus. "Now, now, I believe it's my turn to ask a question. What made you the studious student you are today?"

"It was the bite." Remus was getting more comfortable. "I felt like had burdened my parents more than any parent should be. It is the worst feeling in the world. I tried to balance the scale by becoming more thankful for everything I was given. I studied harder than anyone around me, twelve hours each day. I would spend the time reading and working in my room. All the books my dad had in his library I knew about and had read by the time I was invited to Hogwarts. Seeing my parents proud of me was the best feeling in the world."

"I wish I could see that." They glanced at each other again before Remus asked his question.

"What was the thing your parents never gave you?"

"The feeling that I was the child they wanted."

"James' parents are the only parents that want the child they have. You, me, and Sirius are the unwanted. Hurts doesn't it?" This time they held each other's eyes.

"More than God Himself could ever know." Peter paused, resting his mouth on his hands as he studied the carpet. "Want to know a secret?" Remus leaned in slightly. "I don't want the parents I have."

Remus couldn't stop himself from cracking a smile. Peter looked hurt. "What?"

"I guess that's better than being thankful for parents who don't want you."

"Then how does Sirius cope?" Peter's eyes were bright and it was obvious to Remus that he genuinely wanted to know.

Remus had asked this question himself of Sirius and gave Peter the answer Sirius gave him. "It's because they hate each other. And they all know it. Sirius knows his parents hate him and his parents know that Sirius hates them. They aren't lying to each other. They're being honest and that's what allows Sirius to be truly happy and not held back." Remus added that last part.

"He's so lucky." Peter's jealously grew even greater. Remus feared this jealousy would turn to hate. He had to bring him back.

"But he doesn't have a home. He just has us. No one to go back to. To be truly free means always having a home to return to."

A certain quiet fell on the two boys in the corner. The silence was peaceful. It was a philosophic silence. Thoughtful and unrushed.

"What was in that letter?" Remus had to be the one to break the silence. It was his turn to ask a question. And Peter's turn to answer.

"I have been invited to a sort of club, thing. I've been told that Regulus is thinking about joining too. It's just a group of us who think similarly." He rested his right hand on his left forearm and looked towards James and Sirius. "Don't worry," he stood and turned his gaze to Remus. "It's nothing to concern yourself about."

He walked away, leaving Remus with more questions. But no Peter to answer them, and question back.


	14. Message Parchment

Message Parchment 

The Marauders were sitting in Transfiguration bored out of their minds. Even Remus was having trouble focussing on the lesson. The substitute had no idea what she was saying.

That morning Professor McGonagall had woken up with a sore throat and a very high fever. All of the students had hoped that that meant all of her classes would be cancelled. No such luck. A pathetic substitute had been found and everything went on as scheduled.

Remus started wanting to bash his head against the wall. He could teach better than Ms. What's-Her-Face. He suddenly remembered a little charm he had picked up over the summer. He pointed his wand at his parchment and whispered, _"Yawh tap ehtnepo." _He then pointed his wand to the other three boys' parchments and repeated the phrase. After that he picked up his quill and began writing on his charmed parchment.

_Anul's Sun: So…how's life?_

Remus prayed his elegant script appeared on the others' parchment. He was once again assured of his magic-casting ability when he got a response

_**Grim Outlook: how the hell did you pull this one off Rem?!?!?**_

_Anul's Sun: Just something I picked up during summer break. Isn't it great?_

**Stagged in the Back: IT'S BLOODY AMAZING!!!!! Can peter do it too?**

_Anul's Sun: He should…I wonder why he's not here…Did I screw up?!?_

The three boys looked for Peter only to discover he had fallen asleep, their writing appearing brightly on his parchment.

_**Grim Outlook: oh well, no big loss. He'd probably just start complaining about how terrible the class is. Doesn't it SUCK?!?**_

**Stagged in the Back: it ****is**** pretty bad. How much longer do we have to be in here?**

_Anul's Sun: Trust me, you don't want to know._

**Stagged in the Back: oh hell yes I do!**

_Anul's Sun: an hour and a half._

**Stagged in the Back: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!**

_**Grim Outlook: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!**_

_Anul's Sun: Relax, that's why I did this. It'll help time pass._

**Stagged in the Back: Grim! Save me! I can feel my soul trying to escape! OH GOD!!! I CAN SEE THE LIGHT!!!!!**

_**Grim Outlook: DON'T WORRY! I COMING TO SAVE YOU!!!!**_

**Stagged in the Back: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!**

_**Grim Outlook: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?**_

**Stagged in the Back: Snape is proposing to Lily!!!! She's saying yes!!!! I can see their lives flash before me!!!!! They have 25 kids!!!! WHY?!? WHY DOES GOD TORTURE ME LIKE THIS?!?!?!?**

Remus turned around to glare at the two boys who were biting their hands to keep from bursting out laughing.

_Anul's Sun: If you don't stop this now, I am going to burn these papers and you will be forced to face boredom all by yourselves._

_**Grim Outlook: sorry**_

**Stagged in the Back: sorry. I'll never do it again.**

_**Grim Outlook: you do know we know you're lying right?**_

**Stagged in the Back: ummm…. . . . …..yeah.**

_Anul's Sun: Have you guys seen Snape lately?_

_**Grim Outlook: nooo……..**_

**Stagged in the Back: nooooo….. . . **

_Anul's Sun: I'm being serious, I haven't seen him at all today. What id you guys do to him?!?_

**Stagged in the Back: relax, he's just hanging from his grubby little underwear on top of the Astronomy Tower. I'm sure they'll find him sometime tonight.**

_**Grim Outlook: um…James?**_

**Stagged in the Back: yeah?**

_**Grim Outlook: they don't have class tonight…**_

**Stagged in the Back: SHITE!!!**

_**Grim Outlook: my sentiments exactly**_

_Anul's Sun: You guys are so screwed. I hope you enjoy your little chat with Dumbledore over this. _

_**Grim Outlook: don't worry rems. He'll probably just offer us some sweets and then send us on our way. **_

**Stagged in the Back: yeah. He loves us too much to punish us, for something we did do…**

_Anul's Sun: Whatever. Just don't expect me to save your asses in detention._

**Stagged in the Back: don't worry, we'll be ah'keepin' these papers**

_**Grim Outlook: James-1 Remus-0**_

_Anul's Sun: I can undo the charm and make them useless. I will also tell the teacher to make sure you don't have this parchment._

_**Grim Outlook: James-1 Remus-2**_

**Stagged in the Back: Sirius stop that**

_**Grim Outlook: James- -18 Remus-3 Sirius-10,000**_

**Stagged in the Back: stop that or I will kill you**

_**Grim Outlook: James- -79 Remus-4 Sirius 30,000**_

**Stagged in the Back: I'm not kidding**

_**Grim Outlook: James- -56,749 Remus-5 Sirius- 56,789**_

**Stagged in the Back: ****Crucio!**

_**Grim Outlook: ah! That hurt so much. Look I can hardly write straight. I'm here! I'm queer! Get over it!**_

_Anul's Sun: I suddenly regret doing this…_

_**Grim Outlook: who wants to talk about sex?**_

_Anul's Sun: Someone shoot me please._

**Stagged in the Back: ME FIRST! I don't want to be left with Sirius like this!**

_**Grim Outlook: so, anyway, masturbation. Who wants to tell the class about their first time doing it?**_

Remus had become so annoyed with Sirius that he cursed him under their desks with a little charm that Sirius himself had given the inspiration for. Remus had just been waiting for the right minute.

The next thing the class knew, Sirius was standing on his desk holding a piece of parchment and regaling them the tale of his first time masturbating. Many things were discovered about Sirius that day, like why he has a strange fixation on the Potion classes stools.


	15. Sirius' Christmas List

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. 

_A/N: I would like to take this minute and apologize to the readers of this story for the following, very short chapter. It was a spur of the moment thing I thought while I was…um…in the…bathroom. Too much information, sorry. Moving on! Here is my little Christmas present to you all. Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Crazy Kwanza! Tah!-v_

Sirius' Christmas List 

Christmas was fast approaching and Sirius was off messing with first years accompanied by the ever ready Peeves. So the other three Marauders decided to look for Sirius' Christmas list to see what they would be getting. They rummaged through all of his belongings before Remus had the good sense to look in his pillowcase. There they found the items they would be getting.

_Sirius' Christmas List __**FOR SIRIUS' EYES ONLY**_ _James: a salt lick, a pair of hoof cleaners_

_Peter: a running wheel, a little sock for his tail_

_Remus: a solid chocolate statue of me naked with liquid chocolate coming out of you know where, a little wooden paddle_

_Dumbledore: a bag of lime drops_

_Professor Flitwick: Mussolini's kick ass platform shoes_

_Professor McGonagall: catnip and a ball of yarn_

_Professor Binns: a pin up girl to put behind him so some of the kids in class will actually pay attention_

_Narcissa: an instruction manual on how to remove sticks that have become lodged in one's butt_

_Snape: a length of rope and a rickety stool_

_Lucius: a do-it-yourself castration kit_

_Mum: "Killing Your Husband" for Dummies_

_Dad: "Killing Your Wife" for Dummies_

_Regulus: "Killing Your Parents" for Dummies_

_ME: a picture of Remus and James naked on a bed together that I can magically post on the insides of Snape's eyelids, Peter making out with Lucius so Narcissa won't marry him, Snape announcing at breakfast that he has had along time man crush on James, and Remus, laying seductively beneath my sheets, waiting for me_

A silence slithered through the boys as they stared down at the list. At some point James put the list back in its place and left the room. Peter soon followed him out. Remus stood there looking down at Sirius' bed suddenly dreading Christmas morning.


End file.
